You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'Happy Is Good' category.
We went to the beach today to swim and relax, but nothing went to plan. The tide was low and the water was so shallow that after walking for ages, the highest the water would go was to reach our knees. So much for swimming. It was rather windy and cloudy so sun-tanning was a goner, and playing with the frisbee was near impossible in the wind.
I started thinking about how we nearly broke up on the same beach, yet how the weather then was much nicer, much finer. And I sulked over how I thought it was a day for just the two of us, and yet he had asked all his friends to come down to join us. And I remembered how my friend asked me, why do you put up with it?
But then he kept beckoning me with his hand, entwining my fingers in his, saying cheesy things just to make me smile. None of his friends came, so it really was a day for just the two of us. So I shook away those feelings of doubt, and let myself enjoy the moment.
I don’t need to be always thinking about why I’m doing something or not doing something. I want to stop thinking, and start feeling. After all, I’ve always advocated listening to the heart rather than to the head.
Why do I put up with it? It’s very simple, really.
It’s because I love him. No reasoning, no rationalizing. Just… feeling.
We met today in a cafe. I reached awkwardly for his hand, and I struggled to say the words I have been rehearsing inside my head. But nothing comes out of my mouth, only tears streaming down my eyes.
He keeps asking me what’s wrong, what’s been bothering me for the past few days. And I looked at him, and I thought, how could he not know? And so we finished our drinks in partial silence and awkward chitchat, and we drove to the beach.
The sky was so blue, and the day was so bright, I thought I couldn’t possibly do what I planned to do. I still had a glimmer of hope that we could fix things, that we could make it right again.
Yet as I looked at the ocean and the people with happy faces on the beach, I felt the sting from a broken heart. Here I was, at a lovely beach, on a sunny day, getting my heart broken again and again. And to make things worse, a bird pooped onto my bag. My WHITE bag. Luckily it rubbed off, but I was so angry and upset and confused by then that I demanded to go home.
He told me we just grew apart. That I’ve given him too many chances. That we would still be friends. That he’d been thinking about ending it for months.
The last one hurt me the most. I never knew, never had an inkling that he felt this way. In November, he bought me a ring, to show his commitment to me. To tell me he’ll wait for me when I leave for a year.
Suddenly everything seemed like a lie. I went from being upset, to being angry. And from angry, to being disappointed.
Just like I thought, he didn’t even bother to fix things. He just said, ok, let’s end this. It was something I hated about him, the way he seem to not give a damn about anything, although I knew that deep down, he cared. I hated how he was always so rational, and never seem to cease thinking with his brain. I wanted him to stop thinking, to tell me what he felt. And still, he said, I want to end this. This is what I want.
The world turned dark. I sniffed, and I said, okay. Okay. It wasn’t what I feel, but I said it because I felt like he needed it. And because he was my friend before he was my lover, I came to accept it. I stopped crying, and I stopped whining, and calmly, we went for dinner. Our last dinner as a couple.
That was it. The end of what became ‘us’.
Except it wasn’t the end. I couldn’t give up. And I refused to give up. And it was a good thing I did. Because he wanted the same too. But as usual, his brain got in the way. He thought he was doing what was best for me, without realising that he was the best thing in my life.
I commented that I ran out of milk and cereal at home, and he said he’ll take me grocery shopping before dropping me off. I joked, “Does that mean you’ll come pick me up whenever I ring you?” He gave me his small smile, and said, “Maybe.” I looked at him, and I couldn’t tell if he was serious. “You know, we can’t keep doing this,” I told him. “We’re not a couple anymore.” And at that point, he broke down. And I forgot my pride and any sense of indignity and I asked, “Do you want to give it another try?” At first, I thought he was going to reject me once more. And I felt so foolish and so stupid for even suggesting it. But then he said yes.
So I got home with a red nose and swollen eyes, and yet I couldn’t feel happier. I’m determined to keep this relationship alive. He said I’ve always been the better half of our relationship, but he didn’t realise that by finally letting his heart speak for him, he became a better man. I’ve always been a girl who uses her heart, and couldn’t care less about using her brain. For him, rationality and logic always comes first before emotions. So for him to have broken through that invisible barrier, I knew that he truly cared. For once, he forgot about his pride.
And suddenly, my world was whole again.
For some couples, excitement and passion is everything. Things tend to get dull after a while, and the spark that brought you together is no longer present. Just flip through any women’s magazine, and you’ll see a limitless number of articles on how to bring that spark into your life again.
For me, it is never about the spark, because to be truthful, there never was a spark to begin with. We started as acquaintances, then as friends, then and only then we became lovers. There was no love at first sight. When we first met, he was infatuated with another girl, and I was disinterested. When we got together and became an ‘item’, we didn’t go on dates or romantic dinners. In fact, we were mainly studying in uni (oh gawd we were such nerds!).
Some couples are afraid of being comfortable. I don’t really see any harm in that. Unless you start letting yourself go and put on 20kgs or something (wtf!). But I love being comfortable in a relationship. I’m a very private person (says the girl with an online blog for all to see -_-”), and to be able to let someone into my heart is a very very difficult thing to do. But with the boyfriend, I was able to do that, slowly but surely. And it was the same for him. And I must admit, if we never gotten together and learnt to know more about each other, I would have a completely different view of him. To everyone else, he’s someone without a care in the world, willing to help anyone who asks. To me, he’s a boy with a constant burden on his shoulder, a boy who finds it difficult to laugh.
So yes, comfortable is what I love, what I need and what I crave. It’s not easy for the boyfriend, who is possibly the most private person I know who looks like the most open person in the world! But I think we’ve finally come to that stage. No need for romance, no need for excitement. Just him and me. Our passion may not seem explicit, but it’s the kind of quiet understated love we feel for each other. He may be watching tv while I’m reading a magazine, or we may both be studying in the same room but at different corners. But it’s okay, we’re comfortable with that. Just being in the presence of each other is enough to make our world.
happy colours 
My original plan today was to wake up early and study all day. Instead, I overslept, watched some episodes of Veronica Mars on the laptop and surf the internet. -_-” I blame the fact that I have my own laptop now. The convenience of a wireless connection in the privacy of my own room is just too hard to resist! I’ve been looking at online fashion websites and shopping websites. Despite not being very fashionable, I love looking at pretty clothes/shoes/accessories/etc and I love dressing up. I have a stack of fashion magazines by my bed that I religiously buy each month (even though I’m quite broke and magazines cost a bomb!).
Ever since I came back from Malaysia in July, I haven’t bought anything that wasn’t a necessity, spending only on food and medicine. I didn’t buy as much as I hoped from my trip, because everything was so small in size! It still makes me weep thinking about how in some shops, I couldn’t even squeeze into an L. :’( I dread to think about next year, when I’ll be going to Singapore to live for 6 months. Would I have to bring all my clothes from home? Gah.
Anyway, I went out the other day and saw the shirt dress that I love! And best of all, it was on sale, only $20! This may sound extremely shallow, but for some reason, shopping really does lift my spirits. Especially if I’ve snagged a bargain. And yesterday, I bought a dress online from Velvet Ribbon and I just emailed again to buy a hoodie as well. Oh my gawd I’m such a shopaholic. But the total is only RM98 and if you convert the currency, it’s so worth it! I love living overseas haha.
Anyhoo… the purchases:
(pictures courtesy of Velvet Ribbon)
The boyfriend thinks the dress is too bright and colourful but it’s precisely why I love it! It’s absolutely perfect for bright sunny days, and even for winter to brighten up those gloomy days. I hate dressing in dark and dreary colours during winter cos the weather already makes me feel miserable. As for the hoodie, the boyfriend doesn’t know… yet. Hehe. It’s amazing how easy it is to shop online. Sigh, in the past, to stop myself from shopping, I just stayed at home so I won’t get tempted. But that’s how I found out about online shopping, cos I was so bored at home that I started surfing the net all day. Back then, it was more for books and dvds, but now you can even buy pets online! The world is crazy, I tell ya.
update: i received the items from VR. totally worth it, and it’s exactly how it looks on the website. so happy!! whee! 
Oh yes, and the shirt dress I mentioned earlier? It’s such a versatile item that I could imagine the different ways I could wear it. But why imagine, when I can just do a dress-up?
worn with a belt
schoolgirl look
schoolgirl look 2.0
with vest
Man I seriously have to stop procrastinating and focus on studying. Can’t believe I had more than a week to study, and now I only have four days to study. Tomorrow, I will make myself sit down at my desk and study productively. Yes, yes. No more shopping online or looking at fashion websites. But since it’s the end of the day, I might as well look a bit more before heading to sleep, hehe.
Before I met the boyfriend, I liked 4 very different boys.
The first boy I liked wore glasses. He was funny, the clown of the class. He was always smiling and grinning at everyone, and his mere presence would lit up the dimmest, darkest room. While boys in my class teased me over my dark skin, he was the only one who would stand up for the girls in class when they were bullied. In a sense, I guess, he was my hero. We were ten. Then when we were eleven, his dad passed away from cancer. He took a week off from school. When he came back, the ever present grin had disappear. He became silent most of the time, and slowly, he blended into the background and just… disappeared.
The second boy I liked was a school prefect popular with the girls in school. I was thirteen, and I was an awkward teen barely out of puberty. He had a wicked smile, with uneven teeth that I somehow found cute. Once when I got into an argument with his friend and got pushed onto the wall, it was he who pulled his friend away. We hardly interacted with each other, only the occasional ‘hi’ or ‘bye’. I dreamed of telling him how I felt, but never had the courage to do so. I didn’t even dare tell my friends. He was my secret.
The third boy I liked was my friend. We first met each other when we were fourteen. He was a devout Christian, yet never press me to change my non-religious ways. He was nerdy and geeky in every way, but he was the sweetest boy I’ve ever met. He was tall and scrawny, not quite Prince Charming. We would chat endlessly with each other, sharing inside jokes no one else understood. He would walk me to the bus stop after school every day, pulling his bicycle after him. My feelings for him was not one-sided, I believe, but he already had a girlfriend, a girl much prettier and sweeter than I was. When I left home, he broke up with his girlfriend. We’re still friends now, although we’re not as close as we used to be. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder how life would be if things between us had changed.
The fourth boy I liked was a boy who sat next to me in class. He was always noseying about my business, demanding to know what I was doing every minute and every second. We exchanged sarcastic remarks, throwing insults at each other, but deep inside, I looked forward to seeing him every day. When he found out I was migrating to another country, he said he would miss me. To this day, I still don’t know whether he was joking or not. But at that moment, my heart skipped a beat. I was fifteen.
For the next few years, my heart never skipped a beat for anyone. I was eighteen when I met the boyfriend. He did not leave any impression on me, and I dismissed him as a passing stranger. I met him again through a friend when I was nineteen. Again, he did not leave much of an impression on me. I was not interested in dating, only interested in studying and hanging out with my friends. But then, he seemed to be always around when I hung out with friends, or even just studying in uni. One day, when we were talking, just him and me, my heart skipped a beat. I had forgotten how it felt like to have that fluttering feeling in the pit of my stomach. My heart beat against my ribcage like crazy, and my face flushed feverishly. Our fingers touched, and he held my hand. The rest, as they say, is history.
We didn’t have much in common, and to be honest, I didn’t think the infatuation would last. But it’s been about two and a half years, and although my heart doesn’t skip a beat anymore, seeing his face makes me smile. Holding his hand makes me feel secure in a way no one else can. To sit next to him and to be able to put my head on his shoulder is bliss for me. And I never fail to be surprised by his thoughtful and romantic gestures.
When I was younger, I always lamented over my single status and over how I was an ugly duckling that never seemed to have grown into a graceful swan. My older sister was adored by many and would often be showered with gifts on Valentine’s Day, whereas I never received any attention from boys that wasn’t platonic. But now, I’m glad that the boyfriend was my first. I know it sounds cheesy, but I really think we’re destined for each other, that we are meant for each other. There was no need for others, because all we need was each other. We may be different, but we accommodate each other, like yin and yang. He loves gaming, but I rather sit in bed and read. He loves gory horror films, while I detest them. He studies engineering, I study psychology. We have different tastes in music, fashion, even food. But the love and passion we feel for each other are the same.
Before I met the boyfriend, I liked 4 very different boys. I only love one boy, and he’s mine.
My birthday isn’t till next week but I’ve already gotten my birthday presents. I love early birthday presents. They cheer me up when I’m having a particularly stressful week.
The boyfriend got me these cute studs. I’ve been nagging him to get me studs since he accidentally broke my old ones. Hehe.
stars and bumblebees
Tiffany silver heart-shaped necklace from my parents. It even has a tiny diamond on it!!! I’m so worried to wear this. What if I lose this? What if someone robs me while I’m wearing it?? *scared but kinda happy too lol*
tiffany & co. necklace
a closer look
And finally, a black floral print dress from my sister!! It’s so different from everything else I have, but I love it to bits!! My sister told me to pick out a dress I liked and put it on hold so she can get it for me. I wasn’t sure if she would because it’s like $99.90, but she got it!! *grins* But then I found out she sacrificed on buying a dress for herself because she’s leaving her workplace soon and needs to save money. I feel so guilty. It amazes me sometimes how much my sister does for me. *sniff sniff* *prays hard that sis will get a cool new job asap!!*
the dress!!
I’ve always loved the songs of The Beatles. As a child, I danced to Love Me Do and Can’t Buy Me Love, and I cried to Yesterday and Michelle. Then, a few years ago, I (re)discovered The Beatles’ later songs that dated between 1967 and 1970. They were in a whole different genre than the songs between 1962 and 1966. The earlier songs were songs that made your heart soar and made you dance without worrying how silly you looked. There were also songs that tugged at your heartstrings, making the sky darken with gloom, like Eleanor Rigby. But the later songs were very very different. Songs like Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds and Strawberry Fields Forever had this psychedelic feel to them. As a kid, I didn’t quite appreciate these songs, preferring the upbeat melody from the earlier songs instead. But as I grew older, I have grown to love the later songs as much as I love the earlier ones.
Unlike the earlier songs, which had a similar quality to them, the later songs were different from each other. There were upbeat songs that made you smile, like All You Need Is Love and Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da. And who could ever forget the infamous Hey Jude, which was allegedly written by Paul McCartney for John Lennon’s son Julian when John was in a relationship with Yoko Ono. But there were also a very very whimsical song with a catchy tune: I Am The Walrus. I love singing along to the song, and I could never understand how John Lennon came up with the lyrics:
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.
I’m crying.Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody tuesday.
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob.Mister city policeman sitting
Pretty little policemen in a row.
See how they fly like lucy in the sky, see how they run.
I’m crying, i’m crying.
I’m crying, i’m crying.Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye.
Crab a locker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob.Sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun.
If the sun don’t come, you get a tan
From standing in the english rain.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob.Expert textpert choking smokers,
Don’t you think the joker laughs at you?
See how they smile like pigs in a sty,
See how they snied.
I’m crying.Semolina pilchard, climbing up the eiffel tower.
Elementary penguin singing hare krishna.
Man, you should have seen them kicking edgar allan poe.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob.
Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob g’goo.
The words are just so nonsensical and whimsical. It reminded me of Alice in Wonderland, and indeed, the walrus in the song is from the poem The Walrus and the Carpenter (which was in the second Alice book, Through The Looking Glass). Despite the lyrics being so silly, I love the song to bits. Every time I listen to this song, I feel a sense of euphoria, as if I’m in a state of high. The other day I turned up the volume, chose the song, and danced around in my room like a mad woman. At that moment, I felt like nothing else in the world matter, that I had not a single care in the world. It was just me, and the walrus.
