I’ve just looked through my phonebook several times (what was it? three times? four??) and yet there was no one that I felt I could call. No one I could ring for a comforting chat, or for a good old cry. No one I could go out drinking with, so I can dance all my sorrows away.

Not for the first time, I felt utterly alone.

And not for the first time, I think about ending things with him.

It wasn’t due to the fact that we were so different. I tried to do the things that he liked to do, hung out with his friends, pushing myself out of my comfort zone. He, on the other hand, just tried to change me. Sometimes I resent him for that. But sometimes I am grateful. Because of him, I pushed myself to be more active, to be more sociable, to not settle for second best. How ironic it is that I now feel I shouldn’t settle for him, because he simply isn’t the best anymore.

I feel as if I’m always saying sorry, and he’s always saying sorry. Should a relationship be filled with this many apologies??

I hate the fact that he never seems to make an attempt to make our relationship work, as if he just can’t be bothered to. I know he cares about me. I know the idea of losing me hurts him. But maybe it’s just not enough. Maybe I’m just not important enough.

Sometimes, he gets bored with me. I know this because he told me so. He actually told me that I bore him sometimes. What. The. Fuck?! Who the hell tells someone else this?? It hurts me to know that he rather go drinking and playing poker with his friends till late than to spend another hour alone with me.

I’m so tired of being second best. I will never be good enough. I will never be smart enough, tough enough, sexy enough, happy enough. I don’t want to spend my life pleasing someone who will never be pleased.

So maybe it’s time I get myself out of this sticky relationship. I always dreamed that he will be the only man in my life, that my first relationship would also be my last. But dreams don’t always come true. It’s like chasing my own shadow, so near yet forever out of reach. Instead of clinging onto impractical dreams, maybe it’s time I faced with reality. It’s time to let go.

Right now I just feel completely exhausted and worn out. My tears have dried, and I’m determined to be strong through all this. I feel like I could do anything, yet I also feel like I would just succumb to his small smile, and forget all about what I’ve felt tonight. I don’t want to ‘talk it out’ anymore – we’ve done it so many times to no success. Maybe tomorrow I can summon the courage to tell him. Or maybe I’ll feel calmer by tomorrow, and like so many times before, I would forgive him and give him a kiss. Maybe I can just enjoy the ride for now, and worry about the sickness and pain later.

Or maybe I’ll just rip the bandage out, nice and fast.