You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January, 2009.
I haven’t been updating this blog as much as I had hoped to, or as much as I had liked to. It’s not about the lack of material to blog about. There are many things, ordinary things, in my day-to-day life that are fascinating blogging material. Yet I often come up blank when I log into WordPress everyday.
Somehow, I don’t see myself when I see this blog. It was as if I couldn’t decide who I was. Sometimes my posts are wordy, sometimes they are full of pictures, and sometimes they are just plain silly. The format, the style, the look… everything was a jumble. When I look at it, I don’t see me.
So I’ve decided to start a whole new blog again. And this time, I’m not gonna worry about maintaining anonymity so much that I hesitate every time I blog about something that I think may give people hints about who I am. And I’m also going to blog more about the different things that interest me: movies, music, shopping, etc.
When I started this blog, I was bitter and angsty, angry at the world and at myself.
So I decided that my new blog will reflect my new outlook on life: happier and more positive. And this revelation’s came at a pretty good timing too: Happy Chinese New Year everybody!!
Click! for my new blog –> I Am Not Geeky
We went to the beach today to swim and relax, but nothing went to plan. The tide was low and the water was so shallow that after walking for ages, the highest the water would go was to reach our knees. So much for swimming. It was rather windy and cloudy so sun-tanning was a goner, and playing with the frisbee was near impossible in the wind.
I started thinking about how we nearly broke up on the same beach, yet how the weather then was much nicer, much finer. And I sulked over how I thought it was a day for just the two of us, and yet he had asked all his friends to come down to join us. And I remembered how my friend asked me, why do you put up with it?
But then he kept beckoning me with his hand, entwining my fingers in his, saying cheesy things just to make me smile. None of his friends came, so it really was a day for just the two of us. So I shook away those feelings of doubt, and let myself enjoy the moment.
I don’t need to be always thinking about why I’m doing something or not doing something. I want to stop thinking, and start feeling. After all, I’ve always advocated listening to the heart rather than to the head.
Why do I put up with it? It’s very simple, really.
It’s because I love him. No reasoning, no rationalizing. Just… feeling.
We met today in a cafe. I reached awkwardly for his hand, and I struggled to say the words I have been rehearsing inside my head. But nothing comes out of my mouth, only tears streaming down my eyes.
He keeps asking me what’s wrong, what’s been bothering me for the past few days. And I looked at him, and I thought, how could he not know? And so we finished our drinks in partial silence and awkward chitchat, and we drove to the beach.
The sky was so blue, and the day was so bright, I thought I couldn’t possibly do what I planned to do. I still had a glimmer of hope that we could fix things, that we could make it right again.
Yet as I looked at the ocean and the people with happy faces on the beach, I felt the sting from a broken heart. Here I was, at a lovely beach, on a sunny day, getting my heart broken again and again. And to make things worse, a bird pooped onto my bag. My WHITE bag. Luckily it rubbed off, but I was so angry and upset and confused by then that I demanded to go home.
He told me we just grew apart. That I’ve given him too many chances. That we would still be friends. That he’d been thinking about ending it for months.
The last one hurt me the most. I never knew, never had an inkling that he felt this way. In November, he bought me a ring, to show his commitment to me. To tell me he’ll wait for me when I leave for a year.
Suddenly everything seemed like a lie. I went from being upset, to being angry. And from angry, to being disappointed.
Just like I thought, he didn’t even bother to fix things. He just said, ok, let’s end this. It was something I hated about him, the way he seem to not give a damn about anything, although I knew that deep down, he cared. I hated how he was always so rational, and never seem to cease thinking with his brain. I wanted him to stop thinking, to tell me what he felt. And still, he said, I want to end this. This is what I want.
The world turned dark. I sniffed, and I said, okay. Okay. It wasn’t what I feel, but I said it because I felt like he needed it. And because he was my friend before he was my lover, I came to accept it. I stopped crying, and I stopped whining, and calmly, we went for dinner. Our last dinner as a couple.
That was it. The end of what became ‘us’.
Except it wasn’t the end. I couldn’t give up. And I refused to give up. And it was a good thing I did. Because he wanted the same too. But as usual, his brain got in the way. He thought he was doing what was best for me, without realising that he was the best thing in my life.
I commented that I ran out of milk and cereal at home, and he said he’ll take me grocery shopping before dropping me off. I joked, “Does that mean you’ll come pick me up whenever I ring you?” He gave me his small smile, and said, “Maybe.” I looked at him, and I couldn’t tell if he was serious. “You know, we can’t keep doing this,” I told him. “We’re not a couple anymore.” And at that point, he broke down. And I forgot my pride and any sense of indignity and I asked, “Do you want to give it another try?” At first, I thought he was going to reject me once more. And I felt so foolish and so stupid for even suggesting it. But then he said yes.
So I got home with a red nose and swollen eyes, and yet I couldn’t feel happier. I’m determined to keep this relationship alive. He said I’ve always been the better half of our relationship, but he didn’t realise that by finally letting his heart speak for him, he became a better man. I’ve always been a girl who uses her heart, and couldn’t care less about using her brain. For him, rationality and logic always comes first before emotions. So for him to have broken through that invisible barrier, I knew that he truly cared. For once, he forgot about his pride.
And suddenly, my world was whole again.
I’ve just looked through my phonebook several times (what was it? three times? four??) and yet there was no one that I felt I could call. No one I could ring for a comforting chat, or for a good old cry. No one I could go out drinking with, so I can dance all my sorrows away.
Not for the first time, I felt utterly alone.
And not for the first time, I think about ending things with him.
It wasn’t due to the fact that we were so different. I tried to do the things that he liked to do, hung out with his friends, pushing myself out of my comfort zone. He, on the other hand, just tried to change me. Sometimes I resent him for that. But sometimes I am grateful. Because of him, I pushed myself to be more active, to be more sociable, to not settle for second best. How ironic it is that I now feel I shouldn’t settle for him, because he simply isn’t the best anymore.
I feel as if I’m always saying sorry, and he’s always saying sorry. Should a relationship be filled with this many apologies??
I hate the fact that he never seems to make an attempt to make our relationship work, as if he just can’t be bothered to. I know he cares about me. I know the idea of losing me hurts him. But maybe it’s just not enough. Maybe I’m just not important enough.
Sometimes, he gets bored with me. I know this because he told me so. He actually told me that I bore him sometimes. What. The. Fuck?! Who the hell tells someone else this?? It hurts me to know that he rather go drinking and playing poker with his friends till late than to spend another hour alone with me.
I’m so tired of being second best. I will never be good enough. I will never be smart enough, tough enough, sexy enough, happy enough. I don’t want to spend my life pleasing someone who will never be pleased.
So maybe it’s time I get myself out of this sticky relationship. I always dreamed that he will be the only man in my life, that my first relationship would also be my last. But dreams don’t always come true. It’s like chasing my own shadow, so near yet forever out of reach. Instead of clinging onto impractical dreams, maybe it’s time I faced with reality. It’s time to let go.
Right now I just feel completely exhausted and worn out. My tears have dried, and I’m determined to be strong through all this. I feel like I could do anything, yet I also feel like I would just succumb to his small smile, and forget all about what I’ve felt tonight. I don’t want to ‘talk it out’ anymore – we’ve done it so many times to no success. Maybe tomorrow I can summon the courage to tell him. Or maybe I’ll feel calmer by tomorrow, and like so many times before, I would forgive him and give him a kiss. Maybe I can just enjoy the ride for now, and worry about the sickness and pain later.
Or maybe I’ll just rip the bandage out, nice and fast.
You know what I really want for 2009?
To show the world who I am without worrying about the consequences.
To stop playing mind games. Even at the expense of hurting others’ feelings.
To be able to laugh, smile and cry whole heartedly, without caring about what others think.
I want to live for me before I live for others.
Or is that too selfish of me??
For 2009, I want to be able to yearn for what I want without feeling guilty about it.
If only that was possible.
It’s been a while since I posted on this blog. I’ve been avoiding talking or writing about my feelings. All I wanted to do was forget, to stop thinking, and to enjoy myself. I thought that maybe if I ignore it, all the doubts and regrets I was feeling would just disappear. If I stopped thinking so much, maybe all this anger I was feeling would fade away. Needless to say, my strategy didn’t work. And over the past few weeks, I found myself ebbing away from all my efforts to not feel any emotion. I was no longer myself, just a skeleton with an empty soul.
But the numbness that I had mistaken for comfort gradually bit away at me. So I thought, perhaps it’s time I did something. It was time to do something.. something drastic, even. I was going to let go of everything that was important to me, to push away the one person who I never thought I would ever push away. I saw the ring on my finger, the sapphire twinkling ever so brightly at me, and I felt as if everything was a lie.
I wanted to scream my lungs out, and cry until my tearducts dried. Every bit of me was thrashing about with pain, misery, and guilt. Every single thought that raced through my mind conflicted with each other. It was an ugly time for me. I look back now, and I wonder, how did I ever conjure up those smiles? How did I ever managed to command my limbs to move?
And after hashing out all my emotions, I merely stopped… and started letting myself feel and think at the same time. I talked to him, and he talked to me, and we just kept talking. Just the simple act of talking made me feel calm and relaxed all at once. I gathered my thoughts, I allowed my emotions to flow, and I expressed my thoughts and feelings. And suddenly, just as suddenly as this wave of anger and agony had appeared, I felt okay.
I didn’t feel as if I was really happy, or really sad. I was just… okay. I faced reality, armed myself with the facts, and I marched on forward with a sort of determination I haven’t felt in years. Life is not a storm, nor is it a quiet day at the sea. It is like the weather, unpredictable and cruel at times. But just like the way I endured the cold, windy, rainy nights, I charge forward, because I know that there is a bright, brilliant, sunny day waiting for me. I just have to be patient. I just have to trust myself and trust my ability to cope with life’s many storms.
And I think I do. I trust myself. I don’t doubt, I don’t question.
And that, is how I ended the year of 2008. The fireworks in town were boring and measly, but the emotional journey I went through ended with a big bang.
